God’s family serving Christ with Love.

The Five Essentials for Relationship Success and the Ten Habits that Enable People to Meet Them

This month we come to the half way point of our Ten Habits that people need to develop to develop relationship success: Healthy Habit #5 and #6 – Offering Assurance and Identifying and Explaining what is at Stake.

#5 Offering Assurance – Whenever an argument gets stuck or turns unproductive it is usually because one of the partners feels that they being told that they are out of line or wrong or that they feel their partner is telling them that it is my way of the highway. When this happens people tend to ramp up the intensity to be heard or dig in their heals so has not to be discounted.

The most powerful thing that can be done when this happens is to simply offer an assurance. “I was pretty worked up. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with what you did it is just different than I would have done.” Another example of offering assurance might be, “I am not saying things have to be entirely my way and I’m willing to work with you on this.”

Of course the offering of assurance is completely dependent upon your ability to shift from a judgmental
attitude to a non-judgmental attitude. To offer assurance with a judgmental tone is no assurance at all.

#6 Identifying and explaining what is at stake – Often times when we are upset or are having doing what our partner wants it is because something deeper is going on under the present situation. It is something bigger than deciding what color to paint the living room. Your ability to explain the underlying reasons for being upset will help your partner become more cooperative and understanding.

Some of the common “bigger reasons” include: You’re worried that your partner is sending a bigger message than applies to the present situation. You’re worried that if you do what you partner wants you’ll lose a dream of how you want things to be or need/desire that is important to you. You’re worried about where this is going. The present situation bothers you because it may be a step toward something much worse. Beneath it all it reminds you of something bad that happened earlier in your life.

Unless you are able to identify what the bigger issues are that lie beneath your reactions in the present situation, you may end up arguing over superficial ting and leave the real issues unaddressed. People who are destined to succeed in their relationships look for the bigger needs, dreams and fears at stake in any given situation. It means that you need to be aware of yourself and be willing to be vulnerable and open about what your self-discovery.

In Christ,
Pastor Dick

A number of people have commented on this series. In response to this interest I will be offering a marriage and relationship class on Sunday mornings during the month of January. See the Adult education schedule for 2010-2011 elsewhere in this month’s newsletter for exact dates.